Saturday, September 22, 2007

"Are Ya Gonna Have Another?"

That is the question that everyone seems to ask and I gotta tell ya. . . Its eating me up inside. For every single second of brain space I have left in my head this is what I think about. Should I have another kid. My decision making on this issue LITERALLY goes when the wind blows. I could be getting out of my car, walking into the grocery store elated that I have made my decision to have another kid. Then I pay for my groceries, walk back to the car and my decision has been swayed.. I'm then against it. and this goes on and on and on like this.. everyday, every week, every month. I cannot seem to stand on one side of this issue 100%. You know what the most frustrating part of it is? My husband is the same way. We are both totally and completely on the fence on this one. so what do we do about it? nothing. No protection when we have sex, yet I'm not getting pregnant. I just turned 37 years old and my husband will be 40 next year. no reason to not have another kid but also a reason to consider as well. I am confused like I have never been before. Help. but no one can help me. i cant even go to a therapist to talk about it because this is a decision that only I can make. not even my husband. Only me. i have a beautiful, smart and most of all healthy 2 1/2 year old girl. she is obviously the center of my being. is this enough? for me? for her? for my husband? i have to admit something: The vision of me being pregnant and being in the ultrasound when you can find out the sex of your baby and the technician telling us that its a boy brings tears to my eyes. because i KNOW in my heart of hearts that my husband would love a son. he wont admit it and maybe hes really telling the truth that he doesn't care what the sex is, but maybe its just me. I would love to give my husband a son. that is enough for me to have another child. having said that, my first pregnancy was pretty horrifying and I cannot imagine going through it again. especially while I'm taking care of a 3 year old. But I would love to give her a sibling. and the debate goes on and on and on and on. I guess we will just have to see what happens.

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